Interviews. How It Makes Me Feel.

Just words today.

My heart feels like it has many little fur balls in it. Do you know what I mean? Tousled, knotty and unsettled.

And incredibly itchy.

I was done with the 2nd round of interviews of this company I really wanted to get in. They are a concert production company, established; with a wide repertoire of local (Japanese) and international artists under their belt. There are a few reasons why I really want this job, but the core of it is the job scope. I didn't dare have high hopes when I sent in my resume for the document screenings. I was confident to a certain extent, but this is a big company we're talking about. I could only imagine how many people applied.

A small digression - Japan's recruitment system is unique; one of its kind. They start hiring fresh grad employees one year before they actually start working. Yep, you read me right. So they've actually started recruiting for 2015, in 2014. My case works a little different. They probably want someone to start working as soon as possible, so if I pass, I start in April. I think.

Back to why I'm feeling so knotty and tangled then. Miraculously, I had passed the document screening and I was invited to participate in the written exam (yup, that's also compulsory before you actually start interviewing!) but, the day of the exam would be when I was back in Singapore. Both were important to me and no matter how much I knew that staying to take the exam was the right thing to do, I couldn't let go of going back because it would be the first time I'm bringing Le Prince home. He had been so excited about the trip... I booked this trip way back in November as a surprise to my parents, lying to them that I wouldn't be able to make it back for CNY. I wanted to see them because I was just tired and down from all the visa shit I had went through that left me with no job, no money, and lost time. So. That, and the money too. I didn't foresee so many problems would come hitting me at the same time. When I booked that trip I had no idea my working visa would be rejected. I assumed I would have the right amount of money to pay everything. I even booked a stay cation at Marina Bay Sands. Huh-ray.

After many tears and tell-offs by my teachers, my Jie, and Le prince. I decided to forgo the exam and go home. You know? I had made so many people unhappy. But all of it was my fault and my responsibility. I don't know what I expected from them. The right answers, solace... But I couldn't feel at ease with anything they said because it was my choice to make! My teachers too, wanted me to stay and treasure this opportunity to death. It was a big company that could open many new doors and something like this doesn't come easy. They've been so worried for me, witnessing the whole visa hoo-ha. All they want is to see me settled down with a job. 替學生搥心肝的老師，哪裡找？

When the invitation to the written exam came, they did include a line saying to contact them if I couldn't make it. That was my only hope. I sent the email, and waited.

But it was the day of the exam, and still, no email.

So I thought, okay, I expected this anyway. Move on. Then another miracle happened. Just on the day before Le prince and I were scheduled to go back to Japan, there was an email, asking me to join the first round of interview and then take the written exam after!

こんな美味しい話ってある？！

So I did, but on the day of the interview, I felt overshadowed by the other candidates. I couldn't answer the questions with confidence. I stumbled over my words. Don't get me wrong. I prepared as much as I could and I did my best - but somehow there is this feeling of guilt that prevents me from feeling so.

Guilt. Guilt from not being able to answer to my teachers, guilt from not being my best... But the biggest guilt of all stems from not being able to answer to my parents. Ah... If I fail this and am not able to get a job by the deadline I'm given, I will be forced to go home. I had a long talk with Le prince the other day - expressing my concerns about the very near future... It's every bit of a possibility. Forced to go back with no job and experience after all that time and money invested in me. Not to mention, we would have to be in 2 separate places... What would happen to our relationship, then? Oh my god I would also have to rely on my parents again for financial and emotional support. The one thing I've been trying to break away but simply can't do. What the hell is wrong with me?

So... By miracle, once more I passed the first round and proceeded to the second, which happened yesterday. But I got nervous yet again, was overshadowed by more excellent candidates... Sat next to a girl who was younger and with so much more competence, confidence...
She was just bam bam bam with her answers.

This is not me... I am usually good with interviews. But of course. When you are interviewing in a third language, in a tense setting where you are so blatantly compared to other people. It's a freaking battlefield.

I left this interview feeling defeated.

I can't expect nor look forward to any more miracles... I don't have a good feeling.

The point of this post is not a cry out for sympathy. No, really. What triggered me to write this post was watching Asada Mao just crying after she finished her free skating performance. She nailed it. How she must have felt after failing at the short skating segment. The pressure, the guilt. And then I thought, no matter how much you practice, how much you prepare, how confident you feel... You can't really control what happens during the event itself. Some things just happen against your will.
Asada Mao's interview was much bigger than mine. She had to beat the world. But she really gave her all. Those tears must have been from a tsunami of so many different emotions. I can only really imagine.

This is closure for me.

I am just really really thankful for this opportunity. I don't think I truly understand how lucky I am. To be blessed with so many good people in my life, to be able to interview for so many big companies that are known on a global level. From where I come from, I really don't know how many people could have had this chance. Even though I'm not actually a part of the company, it's significant enough. That means I actually had enough ability to meet with these people. Working with them might be a different case altogether, but. I would like to think that I had it in me. I am thankful.

And so, if going home really has to be the path for me... Even if it ends in tears, I want to be able to cry like Asada Mao.
Knowing that I've done everything I could.